


IKEA Manual of Sterek

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [26]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drabble, Humor, IKEA Porn, M/M, Somnophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-18
Updated: 2013-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-12 06:17:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This may be very similar to a conversation that actually played out in my bed.  Though my Derek was conscious and consenting, if a little confused. Okay, she thought I was a crazy person.  But in a fatalistic, I’m just gonna put up with you, and I secretly think you’re cute kinda way.  ’Cause she’s my Derek…</p><p>Also, she is my beta. Just saying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	IKEA Manual of Sterek

**Stiles:** Welcome to _Stiles Stilinski’s Guided Tutorial Number Seventeen: The Unconscious Alpha_.

**Derek:** …mmm…

**Stiles:** When exploring the unconscious alpha, one must be cautious, so as not to wake him in any sort of cranky mood. Because alphas can be very cranky when woken in unexpected or startling ways. And one does not want one’s arms accidentally torn off.

**Derek:** …hmm…

**Stiles:** For this reason, it is a good idea to skip the section outlined in _Chapter One: The Face Parts_. Fortunately, this means that the practitioner may skip directly to _Chapter Two: Nipples_.

**Derek:** ….grrrrmph…

**Stiles:**  Nipples are awesome, due mostly to the wide variety of activities one can use them for. But also because ‘nipples’ is a pretty awesome word. Nipples.

**Derek:**  Stiiilph?

**Stiles:** While exploring the nipples, make sure you start out gently, so as not to awaken the slumbering beast.

**Derek:** Whaaa?

**Stiles:** These are just a few of my favorite nipple activites. First, as a warm up, there is always rubbing, performed like so..

**Derek:** …guuuh…

**Stiles:** Then there is pulling, and flicking. These are especially fun nipple activities, as they make nipples do funny wobbly things. And a funny nipple is a happy nipple.

**Derek:** …mmmmmm…

**Stiles:** Then, of course, there is licking. When in doubt, folks, licking is always appreciated by an alpha. They love that shit. For those of you who are more advanced, you can combine this technique with the topics discussed in _Chapter Three:_ _Abs_ , under the subsection _Licking That Shit Like Crazy_.

**Derek:** Hmmm? Stiles?

**Stiles:** But for now, we will stick with the nipples, until you are fully comfortable with their many uses.

**Derek:** Stiles? Who are you talking to?

**Stiles:** Who? Me? NO ONE! Go back to sleep.

**Derek:** So you’re just narrating for no reason?

**Stiles:** Often the alpha whose nipples you are playing with will wake up during these proceedings. In order to keep him in a good mood, it is a good idea to use the techniques found in _Chapter Four: Rubbing_. Rubbing is something that he cannot resist, and if done gently, will often put him back to sleep.

**Derek:**  Stiles! I am not going to just fall back asleep. No matter how really, really good…that…NO! Stop that right now, and explain to me why you are narrating our sex life!

**Stiles:** What are you talking about? I’m not narrating anything! You must have been having a weird dream.

**Derek:** I don’t think…

**Stiles:** At this point it is best to head off -pun intended- further questions by using the techniques found in _Chapter Five: The Fun Bits_.

**Derek:** GUH!

**Stiles:** That’s all for now, folks. Tune in next time for a detailed exploration of _Chapter Six: Butts_ , along with _Chapters Seven_ and _Eight: More Things to Do With Butts_ , and _The Best Things About Butts_. Also includes a demonstration of _Appendix C: Advanced Butt Techniques_.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are interested in more frequent updates, I will be updating this series on tumblr daily at this point, and probably only weekly here. So! Follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).  
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope. It may take some time for me to get to it, but I promise I will. I mean, I have a Nairwolves fic coming up. So anything you send, I will at least try to fill. :)


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